My Conversation With God

Me: Good afternoon - this is Kurt.

Geana: Yes - GOD?

Me: Ummm... ok.

Geana: Yeah - God... Robby just peed outside on the driveway.

Me: What? Are you kidding me?

Geana: And God, he won't say he's sorry.

Me: Was it an accident?

Geana: Even more than that, God, he said he's going to do it again when I'm not looking.

Me: What's going on? Robby peed outside, he's not sorry, and he is going to do it again? What happened? What's going on?

Geana: Robby - talk to God. He wants to know what's going on.

(Robby in the background): Mommy - God knows what's going on all the time! I don't have to tell him.

Me: Don't put him on the phone... my door is open.

Geana: Hey Rob - God can't talk to you right now. He's too busy. Also - he's pretty upset. You'd better say your sorry before it starts to thunder and lightning.

Me: Ugh... let me talk to him.

Geana: Looks like he freed up, Rob. God will speak to you now.

Me: No - I'm going to talk to him as ME!

Geana: Oops Robby - sounds like someone called him on the other line. God put me on hold.

Me: Geana - purgatory sucks, huh?

Geana: Shut-up.

Robby: YOU CAN'T TELL GOD TO SHUT-UP!

Geana: Don't tell me what to tell God.

Robby: But you can't tell God to shut-up, Mom, that's not nice. And he's GOD!

Geana: Not nice is peeing on my driveway.

Me: Ugh. Let me talk to him.

Geana: Here Robby. He's on the phone.

Robby: God?

Me (in deep godly voice): Yeess Rooobbbyyy. It is me... God.

Robby: I'm sorry my Mommy told you to shut-up.

Me: That's okay. She didn't mean it. I forgive her. Everyone sins... some more than others.

Robby (to Geana): He forgives you, Mom.

Me: Now - did you pee on the driveway?

Robby: Yes.

Me (trying to be super Godly): WWWHHYYYYY?

Robby: The devil made me do it.

Me: What did he say?

Robby: He said, "Rob - go outside and pee on the driveway."

Me: You'd think the devil could be more creative, huh?

Robby: I know. I think it was James in dress-up, really. I'll ask him. JAMES - I'm talking to God. He wants to know if you were dressed up like the devil and told me to pee on the driveway.

James: Can I talk to Santa?

Robby: No - I'm talking to God right now and he's really busy. Mommy already told him to shut-up.

James: But I want to talk to Santa.

Robby: God - is Santa there?

Me (as me): Robby - stop peeing on the driveway. Ok?

Robby: (silence)

Me: Robby?

Robby: Dad - I didn't know you worked for God.

Me: We all work for God, Rob. Now don't pee on the driveway again.

Robby: Where's God?

Me: He left.

Robby: Ok. Mommy - I think Daddy killed God.


Ok - so 95% of this conversation is made up. Geana did call me and pretend I was God after Robby peed outside - but when I started trying to recall the conversation my imagination kinda took over.