Accepting Votes for Parents of The Year!

The other day Sammy was playing the theme to Jaws on the piano. It was innocent enough - it was even unintended. Da Dum... Da Dum...

We searched for a YouTube clip that had the theme song so that we could show him. Upon looking and looking and looking - Geana finally found one and showed it to Sammy - who thought it was pretty cool. I mean, I guess he thought it was cool because he kept playing that damn song (if you can call it a song) for the next hour. Da Dum... Da Dum... Da Dum...

This led us on a trip down memory lane and we looked up the details of the movie online. It was made in 1975. It starred a young Richard Dreyfus, and - to our surprise - it had a PG rating! "WHAT?" "ARE YOU KIDDING ME" were some of our comments. Yup - PG. Check it out here. This quickly led to a discussion that went kinda like this:

Geana: It's rated PG - we should watch it with the kids.
Kurt: Totally!

We couldn't wait for Netflix so we ran to Hollywood Video to rent the movie (yes those stores still exist). Make some popcorn and hand me a soda, Mom, we're about to watch a shark eating people at the beach! Woo Hoo!! Robby and James were psyched! Anna and Ella - not so much. Sammy - still playing Da Dum... Da Dum...

We got home, turned down the lights, and settled in to watch the movie.


I should place a disclaimer here that we do teach our children that everything on tv is fake and that it is just pretend. Ella's response is always, "Everything on tv is fake... except for us, right Daddy?" Turns out this is true.

Anyway - back to the movie...

Anna & Ella took solice in each other. They pretty much sat next to each other, hugging, the entire movie. Mommy and Daddy took turns hugging them, too, of course. Robby and James were running around the room with their hands sticking up like a fin saying Da Dum... Da Dum... And Sammy sat next to us and watched intently, really enjoying the movie. If this wasn't Parental Guidance, I don't know what is.

I do have to say that - HANDS DOWN - the universal "favorite" part of the movie was when they were all in the boat, at night, drinking and singing the song, "I had a drink about an hour ago and it went straight to my head!" See - this is the song that Grandma sings to them at bedtime when they visit her house. We'll see how that goes next time she sings it...

Oh - and our beach vacation is in less than a month!

The Things Kids Say

I'm exhausted tonight so here is a brief post about some hilarious things my kids have said recently.

1) Tonight we were at the Llanerch Diner and we were sitting there for about 5 minutes before the waiter decided that he would wait on our crazy family (we are intimidating). Well - the only reason he came over was because Robby screamed at the top of his lungs - "HEY MISTER - WHAT'S A KID GOTTA DO TO GET A DRINK IN THIS PLACE!?!?" Embarrassing? Yes. Justified? Absolutely.

2) As I was getting Ella dressed for bed tonight I had to yell at her. (Yes - we do yell at our kids in the Morris household... quite a bit actually.) Anyway - I yelled at her - saying something like, "Ella - Get over here!" Her teary eyed crying response was, "Daaaddyyy..... You're freaking me oooouut!!"

3) Finally - I'll pull one from the archives. It was Thanksgiving in my cousin's new house in Pittsburgh. All of the family was sitting in the living room around the piano - aunts, uncles, my parents, my grandfather, about 7 cousins and their spouses... we were drinking wine, singing songs, and having fun conversation. (Keep in mind that I see these people about once or twice a year at this point so when we get together it is a real good time and we always have fun.) When all of a sudden Robby comes running into the middle of the room pointing at his foot, "Daddy - I stepped in dog shit! I did - I stepped in dog shit! Wanna see? Wanna see!?!?"

Our Morning Routine

6:00 - Alarm goes off. I push snooze. (Let me take a minute here to say that I'm the one in charge of the alarm clock. I'm not sure how and when this happened throughout the course of our marriage but at some point it became my responsibility to make sure that the whole family is up on time. I didn't sign up for this job... nor do I claim to be very good at it.)

6:30 - Anywhere from 4 to 10 scampering feet find their way into our bed. By this point in our lives, the kids have realized that the first ones into our bed get the prime spots, i.e. cuddled up next to Mommy or Daddy. Surprisingly - they have learned that if they miss out on that spot, they fit remarkably well curled up next to our feet. We feed them biscuits when they do this.

7:00 - I finally realize that we need to get out of bed because the kids have to be at school in less than an hour and I have to leave for work in just about the same time frame.

7:01 - I yell, "FIRE!!" And the kids immediately jump out of bed and run down the steps in fear for their lives. (I don't do this everyday... just on special occasions when I really feel like messing up my kids' psyches.)

7:10 - We finally get all of the kids herded downstairs and sitting at their spots at the kitchen table. Often times there is MEGA fighting from the kids to actually sit at the table. (We make them do this every single school day - it's a wonder to me why they continue to fight us on this simple task). We make them sit at the table so that they are all in one place and we don't have to search for anyone or have a doubt in our mind that everybody has made it downstairs. We turn on the Disney Channel. Nine mornings out of ten - we give them Pop tarts. Except Ella - she doesn't like Pop tarts and demands a granola bar. On the tenth morning - we give them Toaster Strudels. They love Toaster Strudel Day.

7:15 - As the kids are eating and watching Handy Manny, I walk around one by one and get them dressed. It is a recent revelation that the girls only want to wear dresses. I'm not sure when this happened - but as long as they don't want to start dating, I'm fine with this.

7:25 - Once I'm done dressing them, I take out the hair brushing buckets (we have two buckets that contain hair gel, water sprayers, hair ties, straightener, curly stuff, mouse, brushes, bows, barrets, spiker, combs, etc.). Personally - I use three items. 1) Water Sprayer. 2) Gel. 3) Brush. I only brush the boys hair. I've recused myself from attempting to brush the girl's hair. For whatever reason, I will never succeed at making my girls hair look pretty. When I try to style it - it looks like Michael Jackson's hair on the cover of "Bad".

GEANA - BTW - While I've been doing all of this crap, Geana has been packing lunches, writing notes to teachers, backing school bags, etc. Frankly - we divide and conquer. If I was ever asked to do what she does in the morning I'd be lost. At some point Geana brushes the girl's hair but I couldn't tell you how or when.

7:35 - Time to brush teeth. This is my least favorite part of the morning. Because the kids just ate, they have all kinds of funk in their teeth. I've thought about changing up the routine to have them brush teeth first - but why mess with a process that is working? Right? If I fight with them to just sit at the table when they come down, I can't even imagine the comments from them if I were to ask them to brush their teeth first. We do this as an assembly line. Quadruplet 1 comes in - we brush: Ahhh... Eeeee.... tongue... rinse... spit. Quadruplet 2 comes in - repeat. Quadruplet 3... Quadruplet 4... Sammy... and so on... (I might also point out that I'm a horrible person... I leave the water running. I know - Mother Earth is crying. I know - I'm an inconsiderate bastard. I know all of these things and I don't care. If I were to turn the water on and off each time I had a kid come in to wet their tooth brush, rinse their toothbrush, and then again to fill their rinse cup and then again to wipe their mouth I would have to move the the facet 40 times. That would make me cry... sorry Mother Earth.)

7:45 - WE FORGOT SHOES! (This happens everyday). "Everyone put your shoes on!" I run around and try to put the shoes on each kid now that they've vacated the table. This is not an easy task but somehow we manage to find enough shoes for five kids every morning. They may not match the outfit - but they match each other. That's all that counts.

7:55 - I push them all out the door after I hug and kiss each one. Geana loads them into the van and off they go.

8:00 - I get ready for work.

8:10 - I leave for work.

Like I said - I shouldn't be in charge of when we wake up because clearly I should get ready before I get the kids ready, right? Wrong. You try brushing teeth, feeding kids, brushing hair, dressing kids, hugging kids - all without getting anything on your suit or shirt. It isn't an easy task. Hence - they get ready before I do. (We still could get up earlier.)

Mmmm... Hummus

I've often thought about writing a book geared toward kid friendly, affordable things for families to do with their kids. That's a shitty title. Hence the lack of a book.

Anyway - Perkins does not make the cut at all. While the food is adequate (not as good as the pictures suggest) the price is ridiculous. I know we're talking about... Perkin's... but hear me out. Geana had the van tonight when I got home from work. Because I didn't want to feed my kids limes or Corona (the two existing perishable items in my refrigerator right now), I decided to walk, yes walk, all five kids to the local eatery... (To the woman who felt it necessary to interrupt our calculated march from the hostess stand to our table in order to hand me her Girl Scout's of America business card - F.U.)

Let me take a minute here to post the Girl Scout Law. Let's see how she stacks up:

I will do my best to be
Honest and fair,
Friendly and helpful (NOPE),
Considerate and caring (NOPE),
Courageous and strong, and
Responsible for what I say and do (NOPE),
And to
respect myself and others (NOPE),
respect authority (NOPE),
use resources wisely (NOPE),
make the world a better place (NOPE), and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Clearly this woman failed in almost every aspect of being a Girl Scout. We won't be calling her.

I digress... Perkins sucks. Our meal consisted of 5 children's meals, an adult serving of eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast, one adult diet coke, and 5 kids waters. (I'm not cheap - they wanted water - leave me alone.) Total bill = $50. Ridiculous.

If I sound perterbed it's because it's almost 1am and I'm eating hummus and toast (with lime) because the eggs and bacon didn't do it for me.

More tomorrow when I attempt to take the kids to their respective softball and tball games, then head to Camden, NJ for a Riversharks game.... alone. Geana is in Ocean City, NJ.

G'Night all!

Travel Stories

Even though we have four year old quadruplets and a six year old son - we CAN STILL GO OUT TO EAT. We got so many looks this weekend in Pittsburgh from amazed individuals that we were ACTUALLY out in public with our kids... and get this... they actually behave while we are at the restaurants. Whoa! If you are ever out about town and see a family with high order multiples take this note - you can't say anything to them that they have not heard before. Honestly. You are not clever. You are not funny. You are not original. But I digress...

Here are several stories of annoying people that we encountered in our escapades to The Steel City.

Dumbest. Waitress. Ever.
Picture our family sitting at a booth. Geana, Kurt, and five kids. All of the ketchup, sugar, salt, pepper, utensils, jelly, etc. are strategically situated so that the kids don't bother them prior to our food arriving. It was a six seater booth so we were pretty crammed in there - which is fine. We do it all the time. We only really get annoyed when the waitress neglects to take our dirty plates away and the dishes overwhelm our space.

We place our order:
Kurt - Breakfast Smile: Eggs, toast hashbrowns
Geana - Same
Kids: Some semblance of pancakes, french toast, and muffins. The majority of the kids had pancakes.

Well our dipshit waitress decides that it would be a good idea to BRING THE SYRUP EARLY! That's right - bring the stickiest, sugarfilled substance to our table 10 minutes BEFORE we are planning on using it. Are you kidding me? I know... I couldn't believe it either. I took a picture.

Well - because our kids are extremely well behaved they didn't touch it after we told them not to. I am still amazed at this lady.

War for Seats:
Saturday evening was spent going out with my parents, sister, brother in-law, Geana, and the kids to Quaker Steak & Lube (quite possibly the best wings/ribs place on earth). My sister and Justin (BIL) went ahead first while we were at Pap's (about a 3 minute drive away). She told them "Morris party of 11" and they gave us a 45 minute wait. Rather than have the kids at the restaurant lobby, we stayed at Pap's for another 25 to 30 minutes... when Melissa called us. The call went something like this:

Melissa - Guess what? Another party of 11 just came in and they told us that they are giving our table to them unless our entire party gets here before their entire party.

Kurt - WHAT!?

M - Yup - they said that's their policy.

K - That's a bullshit policy.

M - They don't seem to be budging on it, though. You guys should haul ass and get here ASAP.

K - Well - my policy is to keep my kids confined as long as possible in order to save their vestibule from the wrath of four year old quadruplets - but that's fine.... it's on now. We're on our way.

We loaded the kids up as fast as we could - sans coats, gloves, hats, etc... there just wasn't time. So we jumped into the van and hi-tailed it over to The Quaker Steak.

About three minutes later we pull into the parking lot and unload into the lobby. We didn't make it. Our table was gone. Our solution - as we sat there in the lobby at 7pm went something like this:

Kurt: "Hey guys I see presents over there under that Christmas tree. There looks like there is enough for all of you - take a look..."

Quads & Sammy: "AWESOME!"

Chaos ensued. A blur of brightly colored sweaters headed, en mass, to the Christmas tree. Luckily saner heads prevailed and stepped into the kids' path before they made it over to the quaint tree with the nicely decorated presents underneath. We were seated 5 minutes later.


Our trip was a blast. We had tons of fun!

'Tis The Season...

I think that people lose sight of what the holidays really mean. You know - Love, Giving, Peace on Earth - those old chestnuts. Instead the rat race intensifies to a point of hilarity. For example...

I went into Commerce Bank last night to purchase 2 $50 Visa Gift cards for the kids' teachers. A woman rushed in the door ahead of me, practically running me over to get in the door. I didn't think anything of it at the time. She bowled over to customer service (where you get the cards) and promptly asked for 45 gift cards in multiple denominations - $10, $25, $50, & $100. Now here's me - behind this lady - I'm only getting two gift cards to her 45. I didn't ask if I could go first, although I probably should have. After all - she did get there before me. It was one of those times where you just grin and bear it and say to yourself, "Well this sucks - I guess I'll just look around the bank and pretend I'm scoping it out for a robbery." I sat down in the chair and waited... and scoped... and plotted.

About 10 minutes later a teller comes over to where I'm sitting and, in a very low tone, says, "Can I help you?" My response, "No thanks - I work alone." A blank stare ensues. (Ok - that didn't really happen, but in my mind it did.)

She proceeds to tell me that I can't purchase the gift cards if I don't have an account with their bank. Should've known that was coming. I shrug it off and figure I can get them at Wawa or something. It just gives me an excuse to find a new location on Geana's new GPS (early Christmas gift.)

As I'm heading out the door with ZERO gift cards, the woman with 45 gift cards actually stops me and says, "I would have let you go in front of me, but I was afraid they wouldn't have enough cards."

I was dumbfounded. Stammering for a response, the only thing I could come up with was to look down and skulk away, unsuccessful in my pursuit. Cardless.

No worries though - she left the store shortly thereafter. I tailed her to her house, stole two gift cards in $50 increments for the teachers, one $100 card for me, and then made my getaway using our new GPS system.

Merry Christmas!

Goooood Morning Morrisquads!!

We had an incredible morning today because we got up REALLY late. To add to the pressure, I had a 9:15am meeting that I COULD NOT BE LATE FOR! This is our morning:


We woke up late and it was COMPLETELY my fault. I've found myself really enjoying the early morning recently so I've been attempting to get up at around 5:30 or 6:00, have a cup of coffee and read the news, blogs, sports, etc. before getting the kids up and ready. Not this morning...

5:15am - the alarm goes off, I turn it off, and wasn't the wiser until approx. 7:09:59.

7:10am - PANIC!! Turn to Geana and tell her - "HOLY CRAP - It's 7:10!" I jump in the shower and am out in two minutes flat. I get dressed and promptly grab Sammy out of bed. I go downstairs and get breakfast ready (poptarts and nutrigrain bars) and realize that Sammy's clothes were never switched. I put them in the dryer. Geana is getting clothes together for the kids to wear.

7:20am - Geana brings down the kids and their clothes. While they eat, I finish getting myself ready for work. When they are about 1/2 way done with their food I start dressing them. They WILL NOT get dressed while they still have food to eat... who knew? They threw a fit! I think that the problem is - if you take one kid away from the table to get dressed, there is the potential for another sibling to steal that one's pop tart/nutri-grain bar or milk. Needless to say - the kids don't like to get dressed until they are DONE. Too bad for them - Desperate times = Desperate measures. Geana makes snacks/lunch and packs school bags while I get them dressed. The other kids eat while I dress them one by one by one by one (shoes & socks included). We are the "Multi-Tasking Morris's"

7:32am - Kids are dressed and are are finishing gobbling up their food. Sammy is not dressed, yet. I go downstairs and get his uniform out of the dryer (damp but wearable), bring it up and give it to him to get dressed by himself. I yell at the kids to go back to the table. They sit. I go around in a circle - spraying little heads with water, accompanied with hair gel and a brush. By the time I get around the table, Sammy is done getting dressed. I give him the bottle, gel, and brush for him to do his own hair. The quads follow me into the bathroom to brush their teeth.

7:45am - James - "Ahh... Eeee... spit... rinse." Anna - "Ahh... Eeee... spit... rinse." Robby - "Ahh... Eeee... spit... rinse." Ella - "Ahh... Eeee... spit... rinse." Sammy comes in and I leave him to his own teeth brushing skills.

7:49am - Coats on the quads.

7:51am - Coat on Sammy.

7:52am - Head out the door and into the van (in the rain).

7:57am - Everyone is buckled and ready to go. I run inside - get my work bag, ipod, wallet & keys - throw on a coat, run back to the car... and we're off!

8:02am - Arrive at St. Andrew's School.

Whew!

Cutting Down The Tree...

We went to Varner's Farm Sunday to cut down our family Christmas tree. Kinda cold, VERY muddy. We got to ride on a horse drawn wagon that was pulled Bobby and Minnie (two Clydesdales). We even had to stop so that Bobby could take a pee while we were riding. Robby and James LOVED that part. I mean - for the past year our life has been, "Pee this and poop that. Be sure to wipe! When you aim for a piece of toilet paper, peeing can be FUN!"

It was nice that the boys were able to share a moment of sympathy with the horses. The gross part was that we were so close to the horse, you could actually FEEL THE WARMTH emanating from the horse urine. (I wonder what types of google hits I'll get this week.)

It was a tight schedule but we made it home in time for the Steeler's vs. Pats game.

The Gatekeeper

Ok - so I'm sorry that the blog posts have dwindled down to once a week. I'll try to rectify that. That being said, I have been taking notes of funny things that the kids have done recently to share with you. Here is one from the past week...

I was doling out tangerines to the kids that I had sliced up but not peeled. I figured it would be fun to put them in their mouths and pretend that we are monkeys. Only trouble was that Anna said, "I don't like Tangerine. I'm not eating it." After a little prompting she still didn't want to have anything to do with it and the last thing I wanted to do was force her to eat something that she didn't want to eat (or play a goofy game with Daddy that she didn't want to play).

All of the other kids are playing along and after I had finished my slice, I grabbed Anna's and put it in my mouth, thinking she didn't care about it. Bad move. Talk about getting pissed off!! She immediately went into a rage that I wasn't expecting at all - complete with flailing arms, loud screaming, eyes rolling into the back of her head, foaming at the mouth, levitation, bolts of lightning, etc. My response - go into the kitchen and get her another slice of tangerine. I thought she may partake in our game, now. Wrong!! After having turned into Zuul, the Minion of Gozer, she proceeded to get up from the table with her slice in hand, walk over to the trash can and chuck it in. She turned to me and said, "Eat that tangerine, Dad." Then she stormed out to go look for the Keymaster.